there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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