To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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