I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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