haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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