Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
