She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
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Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
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Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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