Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
