If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
