So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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