just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
