I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
