you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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