Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
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he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
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I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
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