I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
