It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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