She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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