eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
