Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
You can't special order awesome
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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