Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
