Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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