i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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