I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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