it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
