The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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