I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
