a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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