I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
We need a shit load of segways right now
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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