I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
