I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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