i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
