Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
