The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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