Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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