i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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