I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Randomize
