whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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