Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
