I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
