peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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