Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
