I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
