Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
