You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
