why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
you inspire me to be a worse person
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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