i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
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