Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
