6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
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