There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
even my farts smell like vagina
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
did i just pee glitter
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
