True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I just googled if crying burns calories
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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