Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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