It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
