I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
