Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
