So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
