I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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