I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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