Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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